I'm not sure when it happened, but it happened. I worked so hard to try to cement the things I learned in Italy into my brain, but it all seems to have evaporated. The lofty goals for myself? Haven't been able to accomplish any of them. And it's my fault, no two ways about it. I get back into my "American" habits and find myself depressed and back in the same spot all over again.
At work, I am now surrounded by completely new people with a whole new realm of politics to maneuver. And while it is a vast improvement over my last position, it is still sitting in a cube making a big corporation more money. At the end of the day, all I can think about is that humans were not meant to be like this. I miss moving like I did naturally with my chores in Italy. I miss so much about Italy, it's painful.
With the evaporation of yet another relationship, I am once again, alone. In Italy when I was alone - which was very often - I knew why I was alone. I was in a foreign country, my friends and family no where to be found. I had no roots there to grow from, no ties to the area to build off of. I had a an excuse to be alone and that was manageable. Here, it's a different game. Everywhere seems to be a reminder of that void. And while I am the one giving this panic energy, I still have a hard time stopping it.
In an effort to divert some of my obsessive nature, I have decided to take up training for a rookie triathlon. Maybe I can take all the negative relentless pounding I do on myself about my personal life and turn it into something positive. A fit body and a sprint triathlon to add to my resume. I hope to god this works, because the alternatives are not so positive. I find myself back watching TV more than I would like to admit in a way to make the hours go by faster and without me noticing them quite so much. And while I still (thankfully) do not have the tolerance for alcohol that I once had, it still creeps into my social life with alarming frequency and with a promise every time of making me forget that I am not happy with where things are. I can't control it. I can't control my love life, that's obvious. I can't force someone to walk into my life. I can control my career and while I still want to give this new position a chance, I know it is not my dream job. The problem is, I don't know what I want to do. This whole writing thing is awesome and I love it - when I have something to write about that interests people. Some people kept up with my blog and I am happy that I could provide some entertainment for them in that way. Coming back was quite a different experience and I didn't prepare myself for people not really wanting to hear about all the cool things I did over there. Of all the culture shock I experienced, that was the worst and by far the biggest disappointment and left a quite bitter taste in my mouth. So again, best I just write about it - assuming "it" is happening. Do I send myself off on another trip? Do I somehow do travel writing? I'm not sure, but writing about my everyday life isn't going to intrigue anyone. And then I end up right where I started - what do I do with my life, my career. I have no more of an answer than I did before I left.
At this moment, right now, other than the friends I made in Italy, it almost feels like it never happened.
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